10 Things I'll Never Do

Misty so kindly tagged me (but not until much whining on my part) with the following meme - 10 Things I'll Never Do. (Just another in the continuing installment of the "All Me, All the Time" theme here in Wrathville, pop. me.)

1. Skydive I don't enjoy being in a plane "safely" buckled into a seat, therefore it follows that I will never, ever voluntarily fling myself out of one of the cursed things with my safe arrival on terre firma dependent on what amounts to a bedsheet on strings. Madness! Sheer madness, I tell you!

2. Spelunk If there is anything I dislike the idea of more than being 30,000 feet off the ground, it's being under the ground. Especially under the ground in a tight spot in which I could get a belt loop caught on something never to escape again, only to die of starvation stewing in my own excrement. What, oh what!?! I ask you would possess a person to want to do this? I remember reading an article in National Geographic where they showed pictures of people squeezing through a hole in rock that was barely big enough to get through. Egad. I mean really. If you ever want me to go stark raving mad right before your very eyes (and you don't have a James Blunt CD close to hand) just put me in an underground tunnel somewhere with no room to even turn around and get me stuck. Instant lunacy. No need to even add water.

3. Give birth again This is a good thing. The demon spawn (luvs ya, kiddies!) are darn near raised. Who'd want to go through all of that again? Don't get me wrong, I've loved being a mother and wouldn't have missed it for the world, but it's not one of those things you want to do over and over again from scratch your whole life long.

4. Get anything other than my ears pierced Gah! Why, people? In the name of all that's holy, why? I mean your outer ear is more or less decorative and isn't exactly one of the more sensitive body parts, so what's a hole here or there (for the record I have 5 piercings in the ear region - 2 in the lobes and one cartilage) but why any same person would want to stick metal through some of the most tender, most delicate parts of one's body shall forever remain a mystery to me.

5. Get a tattoo By extension, no tattoos. Oh, don't think I haven't considered it. But what? And where? I kind of like mythological creatures or maybe a Chinese character, although I always suspect they really say "wanker" and not "harmony" at all. I'd want it to be somewhere I could see it easily, because if I'm going through all that sticking with needles, I'd better be able to get to look at it without becoming a human pretzel. And it would also have to be somewhere I could cover it when appropriate. But mostly, I'm just afraid I'd wimp out partway through and end up with a dragon with no head or an unfinished word that reads "pea" or some such and that wouldn't look cool at all. In fact, it would brand me, literally and figuratively as a snivelling wimp forever more.

6. Have plastic surgery (unless I get maimed in an accident or some such) I'm getting to that stage in life where it's leaving its mark on my face, if you get my drift. Let's just say the Oil of Olady people won't be recruiting me for an ad any time soon, unless it's for the 'before' shot. But I've earned these laugh lines and wrinkles, damnit, and I'm keepin' 'em! Anyone don't like 'em, well that's why God made your neck to swivel.

7. Marry for money CANNOT imagine being able to do that. Can.Not. it's just too shallow for words, plus there's this...

8. Become obsessed about material things Now, I likes the toys, boys and girls. I likes 'em a lot. But not to the point where I measure myself or anyone else by their toys. Some of the nicest, most interesting people I've known have barely had a pot to p*ss in or a window to toss it out of and some of the most materially enhanced have been the most shallow, mean-spirited, boring people I've ever met. Things are just things and somewhere along the way, I've detached myself somewhat from them. (Says she who would fall on the floor and weep like a baby if you took away this computer.)

9. Grow up - I may have to get old, but I do not have to grow up. That being said, it follows that -

10. I'll never go gently into that dark night - I'm sorry, I'm simply having too much fun at this life thing. I refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil quietly. I shall go kicking and screaming, thankuverymuch.

So that's the ten. I'm sure there's more. Get to work on time comes to mind. So, spill the beans, kiddos. What are 10 things you'll never do? You're all tagged, every one of you!