In which the convenience of on-line banking becomes... no so much

First of all, I rarely lose things. I still have two handmade yarn dolls my aunt gave me when I was born. Although one is suffering from a slight disfigurment after an unfortunate encounter with a cat, the point is, I still have the things. A person who can hang onto something that long should be able to keep track of their bank card, right?

Wrong. Opened my wallet last night and there it was, gone. Racked my brain to think where I could have left it. Checked all pockets, etc. No dice. No bank card either. Ugh.

This morning, I called the last two places I used it. Not there. Oh, poo.

Went to the bank today to get a new one issued. Shouldn't be a problem. They punch your numbers onto a card, activate the strip, you sign it. Presto chango. New bank card. Everything else should stay the same. Should being the operative word. I've done it several times before when cards have worn out. They do that, you know, when it is your main method of accessing your bank account... remember that point. It will factor in momentarily.

I immediately took my shiny new card to the ABM to test it (because I CAN be taught by misfortune, - never assume anything works straight away) and the machine cheerfully informed me that my account was Not Accessible.

Back to the teller, who even more cheerfully informs me that the computer assures her that I have NEVER had that account linked to my bank card. Only my charge card has EVER been linked to that card. The one account into which my paycheque is deposited and out of which I pay all of my bills, do all of my shopping... never linked to the bank card and the other account that already has its own card with no other purpose IS linked.

I blink.

I beg to differ. She cites the Authority of the Computer. I beg to differ again.

A supervisor is summoned. She cites the Authority of the Computer. I beg to differ.

I point out the lunacy of having one account linked to two cards and the other account, the main account, the one from which I live, the one that allows me to purchase such trinkets as FOOD, not linked to any card at all... I think I even asked the question, "What would be the point?" although I cannot confirm at this time that I used my out loud voice for that.

The supervisor seems to see some logic in this argument. She begins to type. The card is linked. I test it. It works. Yay.

Later, at home, I go online to pay some bills online. The online banking site informs me that my password is wrong. I try three times, carefully typing in the card number and the password that worked only two days ago. Nada. At a loss, I click on the Forgotten your password? (You twerp heavily implied) link. I am informed that I do not have online banking privileges. OH YES, I DO. My brain melts.

I dial the 1-800 number on the banking site. At the prompt, I type my card number very carefully into the telephone. I am informed I do not have a telephone banking password. I BLOODY WELL DO! I wait, cringing at the muzak, for a real person to become available. I am informed by an insanely cheerful computer lady that, due to the increased number of calls, wait times have been increased and I may wish to call back at another time. Excellent. I opt for eventually being able to buy food again and stay on the line.

Eventually, oh... YEARS later, a real person answers. A nice lovely person. I explain my dilemma. She explains these things happen. I bite back any inappropriately nasty comment. She asks me questions to ensure that I am me. Satisfied that I am, she tells me she's going to connect me to the auto-function that allows you to enter your telephone banking password confidentially. Huzzah.

The annoying muzak resumes momentarily and then the crazy computer lady tells me that "This function is not available at this time." My brain vapourizes.

As I am sputtering, the nice real lady comes back on the line and apologizes for the malfunction and says she'll connect me again. Muzak. Nice computer lady tells me to, "Please type in your 3-digit.... We're sorry but your transaction cannot be completed at this time." *sputter*

The nice real lady comes on AGAIN. Clearly she has the patience of a saint. She once again apologizes and reconnects me to the obviously deranged computer lady at the auto-function. The computer lady finally manages to contain her e-ADD long enough to stay focused while I type in all three numbers. Yay! Third time lucky. My password is accepted.

The nice real lady comes back and asks me if I pay any bills online. On being told that I do, she informs me that I will now have to set that up all over again and can she help me with this? I hear the last of my brain vapour evaporate into the ether. "Of course, you'll need all of your billing account numbers to do this."

I thank her for the offer, but as I do not have my bills conveniently tucked into my back pocket at this time, I shall have to forego her generous offer and RE-ENTER ALL 35,000 ACCOUNT AND ID NUMBERS at a later time.

Thank you!

No, thank YOU!!!

Update The card reappeared, tucked between bills in my purse. Argh. I.M.MORON.