Does your momma know?

Okay, I know I'm morphing into an cranky old lady at the speed of light, but what gives with audiences at live performances these days? I attended a play last fall and far too many of the audience members behaved as if they were watching a movie in their living room where the actors couldn't hear them, nor could any of the audience members. Crackling candy wrappers, beeping watches, too loud conversations, up and down out of their seats like jacks-in-the-box... LETTING A CELL PHONE RING MANY TIMES AND THEN ANSWERING IT AND HAVING A CONVERSATION. I kid you not.

Tonight, in the same theatre for a symphony performance, it was similar. Two pieces into the show, the "ladies" next to me were still carrying on a spirited conversation. Yes, I'm talking about you, seats K39 and 40. If you have a burning need to talk that much, why not save yourself $35 bucks each and stay home? Turn on the radio! Play a CD! And shout to your heart's content without annoying anyone. Admittedly, the orchestra probably couldn't hear them as it was playing James Bond themes, but the audience members around them certainly could and I'm almost positive none of us would pay $35 to hear these two chat.*

Next to them, a woman with a baby who looked to be about 3 or 4 months old. Lady. Would not the fact that yours is the only baby in the building clue you in to the idea that perhaps... just perhaps, this is not the venue for a small baby? To be fair, he behaved himself very admirably (he was quieter than the two women between us, that's for sure) and only let out a tiny little cry on one occasion, but seriously. Get a babysitter. Or stay home. This isn't the Wiggles.

There were at least 8 people (4 couples) that I saw who arrived over 20 minutes late. And all of them had seats in the centre of the aisle. One of them I KNOW knows better because she's a performer herself.

After the intermission, a couple just behind me decided this was a fine time for a chat. I don't know. Maybe it's me. But I rarely have anything to say that can't wait until the break between songs, or the intermission or the end... if it were something like, "I'm having a heart attack!" or "I'm going into labour!" or "Fire!" I could understand, but seriously, what ON EARTH is so important that it has to be discussed right there, right then?**

Then there were the Einsteins who stopped at the top of the stairs as we were exiting to the foyer. There were at least half of the 1,000 audience members streaming out behind them. Did they WANT to risk getting pushed down the stairs? It's hard to stop 500 people when they've built up a head of steam. Then they decided that they had walk across to the other side of the top of the staircase and I heard the guy say, "ExCUSE ME!" in a tone that implied how DARE these people be in my way? Good job you're not a salmon, buddy. You don't even know there IS a stream, never mind how to fit in with it.

But then there were the charming moments. The singers (pop and big band music, not classical) had the audience joining in and waving our arms in the air (like ya just don't CARE!) and after everyone else had dropped out there was one older lady ahead of me who was ROCKIN' the arm movements. All by herself. It was so adorable.

And there was an older guy just ahead of me who looked to be about 70 or so who was rocking out in his seat so violently during one song he was moving the three or four seats on either side of him. No kidding, that whole section of the row was shakin' in time to the music. He was clearly really enjoying himself and the people around him didn't seem to mind. Of course, they were Canadian, so they'd just silently seethe anyway***, but I didn't notice any sidelong glances, which our version of, "OI! SHUT YER GOB!!"

I had to do the math, though. This was music that was very popular just after my high school years. If he's as old as he looks, he would have been in his 40s then. I could see someone my age gettin' all jiggy wit' it over this stuff because it invokes your independent but still single years when you lived to go to the clubs and you had your whole life ahead of you and ANYTHING was possible. But this guy probably had a mortgage and a couple of kids in junior high when this stuff was on the radio. Who rocks out to the music of their 40s? Go figure.

Then as we were leaving the parking lot, there was a car parked in the roadway between the two halves of the parking lot. Meaning it was narrowed to one lane. 1,000 people leaving a theatre and they have to filter through one lane to get out of the damned parking lot. I harboured tire slashing fantasies for a moment, I'll confess. If I could have arranged to have the car towed, I would have.

And I swear to God one of the trumpet players was chewing gum on stage.

But, all in all I really enjoyed the concert. And I kept thinking, "Blog fodder!" so there's that.

And now you'll have to excuse me. I gotta go tell some kids to get off my goddamned lawn.


*To their credit, they clammed up after I gave them a quick shot of the patented, Just-Wait-Until-I-Get-You-Home stare, perfected by mothers the world over.

**They, too, caved after the JWUIGYH micro-stare. It's a miracle I got out of the theatre alive.

***People think Canadians are so polite, but we're just as rude as the rest of the world. We just do it telepathically.