Sunday, December 16, 2007

My car is possessed. Not repossessed, you understand. Just possessed. As in having demon(s) contained within.

Not long ago I noticed the keyless entry remote wasn't working quite as well as it had previously (on L.A. Law. Sorry. I have to follow the word "previously" with the phrase "on L.A. Law." In accordance with prophecy. Or something.)

Where was I? Oh, yes. Unable to get into my car with any reliability. So I hoped it was just the remote's battery running down, as those puppies are about $150 a pop. (The remotes, not the batteries. What are you, crazy?)

Sooooo... then the car starts honking its own horn. Randomly. I'm sitting at the computer and I hear, "Beep!" from the front of the house. Then, "Beep!" again. I look out the front window and there's not a soul to be seen. "Beep!" goes my car. Right...

I can only hope the horn won't start sounding non-stop as I don't know which wire to cut (disconnect the battery, someone recently told me - good to know.) and I don't want my neighbours to kill me.

Then, the locks begin operating of their own free will. I unlock the door. Get into the car. "Click!" the locks lock themselves. "Click!" They unlock themselves. "Beep!" the horn honks. I haven't even put the key into the ignition yet. And I feel like calling a priest.

This continues for a few days with the locks randomly locking and unlocking themselves. I feel like I'm driving a prop from a Stephen King movie. It's production week of a play I'm stage managing. I haven't got time to have my car tied up in the shop. I hope for the best.

Then comes the day the remote doesn't work at all. It'll still pop the trunk (boot for my H'English friends) but that's not my preferred entry point on the car. Awkward as arse, that is.

So I go all medieval on the car and actually USE THE KEY... and it works. Fine, I think. Still time to get this play over with and get the car to the shop.

"Not so fast, carbon-based one!" says the car. Suddenly, the key doesn't work anymore, either. Nor can I unlock the door from the inside. By this time, it's production week for a choir gig and I can't afford to have the car in the shop that week, either. Also, I'm broke. And mechanics seem to like to be paid BEFORE they give the car back.

So for the past couple of weeks, I have been entering the car from the passenger side and doing a contortionist act to get into the driver's seat. Which is awkward as arse.

Suddenly, climbing in through the trunk doesn't look so bad.
So. All shows are now over. I have an appointment with the mechanic. And if the blizzard they're predicting doesn't show up, I may just be able to get into my car like a normal person tomorrow.
Good night, Christine.


Blogger Scaryduck said...

Your car. It is curs-ed.

December 17, 2007 at 7:21 a.m.  
Blogger #Debi said...

I'd say try sprinkling it with holy water, but then the locks would just freeze up. Or maybe the car would start honking, "It burns! IT BURRRRNSSS!"

December 17, 2007 at 9:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Kat said...

All I can think of right now is the song Car Full of Pain by the Arrogant Worms...

December 17, 2007 at 3:07 p.m.  
Blogger Rik said...

And then the mechanic will keep the car for a week, and come back that nothing's wrong.

And charge you for the privilege.

ajnoxwvt: The latest tax put on by mechanics.

December 17, 2007 at 3:29 p.m.  
Blogger Anna said...

Ah, and there you have the solution to the eternal trampoline jumping. The next time they start jumping, turn your car alarm on. Bwahahaha. : )

December 18, 2007 at 9:21 p.m.  
Blogger Ricardipus said...

Car thinks: "Fark all this for a joak, I'm not driving in all this snow. Time to teach that lady a lesson".

Car has not reckoned with the inevitable Wrathful Dawn + Wrecking Yard interface that is to come.

Video on YouTube...

'bfutqfd!!!' - what Dawn yells at her car.

December 18, 2007 at 10:18 p.m.  
Anonymous dale said...

So, has your car been exercised? (It went into the mechanic's as a mid-sized and came back as a compact?) Oh, no, I meant exorcised? I can just see "Dave", the mechanic, donning his priestly robes over his overalls. He slowly lifts the hood as the car flashes its lights at him. The mechanic starts mumbling arcane phrases. . ."ignition. . .check. . .breather working. . . battery connected. . . oh Lord, why isn't this working". The car can't take anymore and, with a mighty inhalation, sucks the mechanic into it air intake. Then, the garage charges you time and a half while they try to retrieve "Father Dave".

December 19, 2007 at 2:30 p.m.  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

I took my mechanic's ticket while tending front of house at "The Grinch" tonight. Which sounds dirty, but isn't.

December 20, 2007 at 2:17 a.m.  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

But the car still isn't fixed, because on Monday, when I had an appointment booked? We had a snowstorm that shut the place down. So now it will have to wait until after Christmas.


*click, click!*

*honk, honk*

December 20, 2007 at 2:19 a.m.  
Blogger Flea said...


click click

honk honk

What a swell Christmas! Can you teach Christine to play Jingle Bells? Like the barking dogs do? Then you could drive around town and let the car do the caroling, meaning you stay toasty warm and carol at the same time.

Just sayin'.

December 21, 2007 at 1:23 a.m.  
Blogger The Wrath of Dawn said...

Hahahaha! Good idea, Flea!

December 21, 2007 at 8:01 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

L.A. Law! What a show! I liked the ball lawyer best. I'd like to slap his head to a catchy tune.

December 22, 2007 at 12:51 p.m.  
Blogger zoe said...

whenever i say 'previously' it is always followed by 'on 24'.

i just thought you'd like to know that very important piece of information.

December 23, 2007 at 8:12 a.m.  

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