My car is possessed. Not repossessed, you understand. Just possessed. As in having demon(s) contained within.

Not long ago I noticed the keyless entry remote wasn't working quite as well as it had previously (on L.A. Law. Sorry. I have to follow the word "previously" with the phrase "on L.A. Law." In accordance with prophecy. Or something.)

Where was I? Oh, yes. Unable to get into my car with any reliability. So I hoped it was just the remote's battery running down, as those puppies are about $150 a pop. (The remotes, not the batteries. What are you, crazy?)

Sooooo... then the car starts honking its own horn. Randomly. I'm sitting at the computer and I hear, "Beep!" from the front of the house. Then, "Beep!" again. I look out the front window and there's not a soul to be seen. "Beep!" goes my car. Right...

I can only hope the horn won't start sounding non-stop as I don't know which wire to cut (disconnect the battery, someone recently told me - good to know.) and I don't want my neighbours to kill me.

Then, the locks begin operating of their own free will. I unlock the door. Get into the car. "Click!" the locks lock themselves. "Click!" They unlock themselves. "Beep!" the horn honks. I haven't even put the key into the ignition yet. And I feel like calling a priest.

This continues for a few days with the locks randomly locking and unlocking themselves. I feel like I'm driving a prop from a Stephen King movie. It's production week of a play I'm stage managing. I haven't got time to have my car tied up in the shop. I hope for the best.

Then comes the day the remote doesn't work at all. It'll still pop the trunk (boot for my H'English friends) but that's not my preferred entry point on the car. Awkward as arse, that is.

So I go all medieval on the car and actually USE THE KEY... and it works. Fine, I think. Still time to get this play over with and get the car to the shop.

"Not so fast, carbon-based one!" says the car. Suddenly, the key doesn't work anymore, either. Nor can I unlock the door from the inside. By this time, it's production week for a choir gig and I can't afford to have the car in the shop that week, either. Also, I'm broke. And mechanics seem to like to be paid BEFORE they give the car back.

So for the past couple of weeks, I have been entering the car from the passenger side and doing a contortionist act to get into the driver's seat. Which is awkward as arse.

Suddenly, climbing in through the trunk doesn't look so bad.

So. All shows are now over. I have an appointment with the mechanic. And if the blizzard they're predicting doesn't show up, I may just be able to get into my car like a normal person tomorrow.

Good night, Christine.